Monthly Archives: September 2001

An Evening well mis-spent


Well, I just spent the evening with my ren and ref folks at a roast for my former boss, who’s jetting off the germany next week for a year. What a blast. I’m quite sure I was silly with my adviser, and a few other terribly important professors. But hey. That’s what happens when the drinks is free.



God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule
NEW YORK: Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

“Look, I don’t know, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,” said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. “Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.”

I don’t care how holy somebody claims to be,” God said. “If a person tells you it’s My will that they kill someone, they’re wrong. Got it? I don’t care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else’s, ever again.”

“I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”

“But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody’s spouting off some nonsense about, ‘God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it’s God’s will,'” God continued. “It’s not God’s will, all right? News flash: ‘God’s will’ equals ‘Don’t murder people.'”

� � � Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.

� � � “To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay?” God said. “So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it�My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.”

� � � God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as “wonderful, pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.

� � � “This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason,” God said. “There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club.”

� � � Continued God, “Read the book: ‘Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.’ It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain.”

� � � God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

� � � “I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time,” God said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.”

� � � Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: “Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism… every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you’re supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.”

� � � “Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other�you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” God said. “The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?”

� � � “I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore�ever! I’m fucking serious!”

� � � Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.



As Cool as I Am
You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less,
Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared, I thought you knew how to be scared,
And now it’s amazing what you did to make me stay,
But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going…

Dar Williams



Well, now you can get Lord of the Rings ICQ!

Let’s see how this would have gone:

Sauron25: wre the hel is my ring?!?!!1
bilbo452: hw wood i no?
XXGandalf: piss of
frododo: sam?
samgamgee: ya?
frododo: is some1 following us?
samgamgee: ya, u got a nife in ur shoulder, d00d
Sauron25: WRE THE HEL IS MY RING??/??
elrond56: shut up
AragornArathorn: i wanna fuck that elf chick
elrond56: ????? you dono’t deserve hr ass
boromirstud69: I want that ring, its cool
frododo: NO!
glimi1974: what girly man wnts a ring anyway
Sauron25: ?????
glimi1974: jk
galadrielfox: I have a drink for you guys if you want
frododo: thx
merrymerid444: ow! I fel of a horse!
pippin555: me to! theres a big tree in my face
treebeard57: hoooooooooooooooooooooooollllllllm
merrymerid444: shut up already, tree
sarumanmulticolor: i rok
XXGandalf: do not. Im dead
sarumanmulticolor: i no, ha ha ha
Sauron25: wRE the hell is my ring?! give it back!
faramir15: i think i might die
pippin555: maybe not
gollumgollum: i like shiny things
frododo: shut up
samgamgee: can I kiss your leathery little feet, frododo?
frododo: sure
frododo sure is hot around here
gollumgollum: im hungry
merrymerid444: im tired
XXGandalf: I’m flying
pippin555: me to!
frododo: I’m missing a finger
gollumgollum: I got the shiny ring!
gollumgollum: o no
gollumgollum: its really hot
aragornarathorn: so is she
elrond56: sauron25, you shut up for good now
elrond56 logs off.
bilbo452: by by!
frododo: by
treebeard57: jerks



Wil Wheaton isn’t the only famous person who updates the world via the internet. Ian Mckellen gives us a bit of a look into (gasp) The Lord of the Rings. I’m terribly jealous of this statement in particular: Whilst Saruman and I were facing off once more, I asked Dan Hennah (art director) if I could one day take home a couple of the fake-metal lizards which served as door handles in Orthanc. He smiled quizzically as he often does and as I left for Wellington Airport last week, Peter and Fran presented me with a hefty wooden box containing the lizards, which are now settled in at their new home in London. Among a few further precious mementoes are an Alan Lee original pencil drawing of Gandalf (another gift from the Jacksons) plus I confess hanging in my study the large keys to Bag End’s round front door which, if anyone asks, I shall swear were given me by Bilbo Baggins before he left Hobbiton forever.

Eggplant Parigiana


Eggplant Pamigiana

1 eggplant, sliced into 1/4-1/2 inch slices
three eggs
oil (whichever is handy)
tomato sauce
Mozzerella slices

Oil a cookie sheet.
Preheat oven to 350.
Dip eggplant slices in egg, and then dredge them through flour so their well covered.
Lay them out flat on the pan. Fill up the pan with the slices.
Stick them in the oven until…well, I don’t know, until they look cooked through on the top, and brownish underneath.
Flip them, and let them brown on the other side. This takes about 12-20 minutes, about. Better that they be overdone than underdone, though.
When they’re finished, pull out an oven-safe dish, like some corningware. Layer eggplant in dish with some tomato sauce and cheese. I usually get about four layers total.